David's Sunflower Seeds

Eat. Spit. Be Happy.  It couldn't be better said. Once bird food, these delicious seeds come in a variety of flavors including Ranch, Salsa and the always favorite, salted. The seeds themselves come shelled, which makes for an exciting 'chewing' experience to separate the kernel form the shell - this can be especially fun when piling a handful into your mouth.  Shards and shrapnel stick into your cheeks and gums.  The seeds themselves only pose as a flavor delivery system which carries the Ranch and Salsa seasoning to the respective point on your tongue.

Judgement: sapid

Chicken in a Biskit

Home-cooked chicken taste in every bite!  Ah yes, the wonderful feeling that you are actually killing animals when in reality you're just filling your tummy with more enriched wheat flour.  Something about the texture of these crackers doesn't convey Chicken.  When I put them into my mouth, like I do with everything else, I expect good texture.  Instead, I get a soft mush rather than the satisfying crunch of delicious KFC.  Nabisco's ability with texture is matched with their masterful command of the English Language, particularly their phonetic spelling of Biskit.  Chicken in a Biskit does, like everything else, taste like chicken.

Judgement: fowl-tasting

Wild Cherry Pepsi

Drinks from Pepsi make me sad.  It started with Pepsi One - a drink that tasted worse than Diet Pepsi, with 1 more calorie - genius.  Then there's Pepsi Twist and Vanilla Pepsi, shameless rip offs of Coke's products.  Pepsi also pumped out Pepsi Blue, apparently a blueberry flavored cola, and quite possibly the worst tasting thing to ever be in my mouth.  But Wild Cherry Pepsi, that's a different story.  Wild Cherry Pepsi is good, if not the best of Pepsi's products.  Sure, it doesn't match Cherry Coke, but its damn close.  Less cherry, more cola and they could have it beat.  You might be wondering why its not listed with the "shameless rip-offs", well, its Wild Cherry Pepsi. The Wild makes it different.  These aren't just regular cherries, they're Wild.  The kind of cherry that could jump out of the can and slit your throat if your not paying attention.  Shiiit.  Props to Pepsi on one well done soft drink.

Judgement: palatable

Maruchan Chili Ramen

The soup looks and tastes like watered down taco seasoning with some MSG.  Its sorta spicy, sorta meaty, and might possibly taste like chili.  What more could you ask for for $0.25 worth of noodles.  As will all Maruchan Ramen, I am happy to see how polite they are, as written on the seasoning packet "Please tear here".  Not just "Tear Here", its a "Please".  It makes eating happy.  The best part about Chili Ramen is that you can pretend you are a Mexican while you eat.

Judgement: odoriferous

Maruchan Oriental Ramen

I imagine this is what Asians must taste like.

Judgement: soylent

I can't conceive anything other than Roast Beef tasting like Roast Beef.  That goes for Roast Beef Flavor Ramen.  These noodles have a very citrus-like taste but completely lack in the beef flavor department.  I can't say that they taste bad because they don't, its just false advertisement.  When I put something labeled "Roast Beef" in my mouth, I expect delicious cow insides, not noodles.  If you don't know what I'm getting at, read Chicken in a Biskit again.

Judgement: ersatz

I like shrimp, especially the taste.  Its unfortunate that these taste nothing like it.  Shrimp Ramen taste like ass, its as simple as that.  Don't eat them.  Ever.

Judgement: ass

Maruchan Roast Chicken Ramen

One thing most soup companies can do right is make their soup taste like chicken.  Simply because they can just guess on the flavor and it will probably be close.  Roast Chicken Ramen is right on.  Props to Maruchan for making something that tastes like what its called.

Judgement: transcendent