Part 1 – “Enter the Heroes!”

 

This first installment of The Session From Hell is amazingly based upon true happenings while playing Dungeons & Dragons.  The names have been changed, but the crimes are real.

 

The setting:  The DM’s house, with players and DM sitting around a table with various sodas and foodstuffs.

 

The involved parties:  An unnamed DM; Bob, who is playing an Elven Cleric named Xylophone; Steve, who is playing a Human Wizard named Aeröçalünth Vćlira; George, who is playing an Elven Rogue named Dasar; Tim, who is playing a Human Warrior named Aristotle; Colin, who is playing a Gnome Warrior named Bambo; Victor, who is playing a Human Warrior named Samula; and finally Zach, who is playing a Gnome Wizard named Yalo! (with the exclamation point)

 

And now, our tale…

 

 

DM:  You are all sitting around in an inn having a good time when—

 

Aeröçalünth:  How suprising…

 

DM:  —you hear a loud crash and the door is smashed in by five rough-looking, weapon-wielding men.

 

Yalo!:  What do they con?

 

DM:  You have no idea, this isn’t EQ.

 

Xylophone:  C’mon, I do it in my campaign.

 

DM:  This isn’t your campaign, is it?  Now, make initiative rolls.

 

<Chaos ensues as the battle begins and initiative orders are figured out>

 

Aeröçalünth:  I am attacking with my halberd.

 

DM:  Wait.  You are a Wizard and you are using a halberd?

 

Aeröçalünth:  Yes, I took the feat because I want to be original and I love pole arms.

 

<Steve then proceeds to swing his arms wildly, supposedly imitating his character’s attacks>

 

DM:  Riiiiight.

 

Dasar:  I hit for 80 damage.

 

DM:  Wow, that’s a lot for level one.  Your opponent falls to the ground clutching a massive head wound.

 

Dasar:  Yeah, I get lucky rolls.

 

Yalo!:  I throw a quarterstaff at my opponent.

 

Aristotle:  Damnit, I missed.

 

Samula:  Me too.

 

DM:  Did you remember to add your strength bonus?

 

Samula:  What?  Oh, nevermind I hit it for 9 then.

 

DM:  Did you remember to modify your damage?

 

Samula:  Oh yeah, then I hit for 13.

 

Yalo!:  I throw another quarterstaff at my opponent.

 

DM:  How many of those do you have?

 

Yalo!:  About 1,000.

 

DM:  I’m not even going to ask.

 

Yalo!:  Want a pickle?

 

<This continues for a few more rounds until the attackers are dead.  The party, prompted by Dasar, then proceeded to kill the rest of the patrons of the inn and steal all of their money.>

 

Aeröçalünth:  Well, now seems like a prudent time to introduce myself to you.  I am Aeröçalünth Vćlira., the—

 

Dasar:  Hold on—what the hell is your name?

 

Aeröçalünth:  Aeröçalünth Vćlira.

 

Dasar:  Okay, that’s what I thought.  I’ll just call you Aerosol.

 

<The rest of the group nods in agreement to this>

 

Aeröçalünth:  Damnit.

 

<After basic introductions are made and some banter is exchanged, the DM speaks once again>

 

DM:  Outside you hear more people coming and realize that it is a well-armed patrol approaching the inn.

 

Xylophone:  Alright, let’s get out of here before they catch us.

 

Dasar:  I tumble.

 

DM:  Make a check.  Err, nevermind, just do it.

 

<The party then proceeds to head into the woods, avoiding any patrols.>

 

DM:  During the night, a Dark Elf approaches.

 

Yalo!:  Bill Cosby!

 

DM:  What?

 

Yalo!:  He’s black right?

 

DM:  Yeah, but—

 

Xylophone:  I’m black.

 

DM:  No you’re not.

 

Xylophone:  Yes I am, look at my sheet.  I am black and evil.  Do I know this guy?  All bruthahs know each other.

 

DM:  No, and you’re still not black.

 

Xylophone:  Then how come I can jump so high?  I have the shoes to prove it.

 

DM:  Erase that garbage from your character sheet.

 

Xylophone:  I tried, but it’s written in pen.

 

DM:  Fine, but you’re still not black.  Now, where were we?

 

Yalo!:  We were talking with Bill Cosby.

 

DM:  Alright.  I mean, no.  You are not talking to Bill Cosby, you are talking to a Dark Elf who approached.  He turns to Aeröçalünth and asks “What’s with the halberd?”

 

<Aeröçalünth sighs>

 

DM:  After this, he tells you, “I have been watching you all for some time.  I am in need of a group of adventurers to retrieve some treasure from an abandoned mine.  I will pay well in return for your help.”

 

Xylophone:  Why don’t you just get it yourself?

 

Dark Elf:  I am forbidden to enter.  The mines have wards protecting them from a Dark Elf entering.

 

Xylophone:  Then I guess I can’t go in.

 

<DM throws Xylophone a dark look, others laugh>

 

Xylophone:  Okay, who’s in?

 

Dasar:  How tough does this guy look?

 

DM:  Tough enough to kill you.  He is using two curved swords with runes running along them and is dressed in jet-black armor.

 

Dasar:  How much will we be paid?

 

Dark Elf:  Enough for it to be worth your while:  5000 gold each plus any loot you receive save for what I am looking for.

 

Xylophone:  And what is that?

 

Dark Elf:  A book which was kept by the man who ran the mine, a Wizard named Algar.

 

Xylophone:  Sounds good to me, what do the rest of you think?

 

Aeröçalünth:  I agree.

 

Dasar:  I follow the money.

 

Aristotle:  Whatever.

 

Xylophone:  What about you Samula?

 

<The players then notice that Victor is asleep with his head resting comfortably in a bowl of potato chips.>

 

Xylophone:  Before we go, what can we expect to face there?  What happened to the inhabitants of the mine that Algar would just leave the book there?

 

Dark Elf:  Nobody really knows what happened, other than that production ceased and any who entered since to investigate have not returned.

 

Bambo:  That’s great!

 

-=|=-

 

To be continued…