Part 2 – “Into the Darkness…”

When we last left our heroes, they had just accepted a mission from a mysterious dark elf to enter a dangerous mine and retrieve a book once kept by the wizard Algar.

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DM: Okay, now what are you going to do?

Xylophone: Alright guys, let’s go to the mine and get the book for my fellow bruthah.

DM: BOB!!!

Dasar: Screw him. I say we go there, kill and loot everyone, and then see how much that book will go for.

Aeröçalünth: I would not upset a dark elf if I were you. We gave him our word and I say we hold true to it.

Dasar: Nobody likes you, Aerosol. Go smack something with your halberd.

<Victor’s head slowly rises from the bowl of potato chips>

Samula: I hit.

DM: What?

Samula: We’re attacking something, right? I thought I heard Dasar tell Aerosol to fight …

DM: Nobody’s fighting.

Samula: But I—

DM: No.

Samula: Err, what are we doing?

DM: Nothing, go to sleep.

<Victor’s head slams back into the chips, getting little crumbs stuck throughout his hair>

DM: Now, where were we?

Dasar: We were going to the mine to rape and pillage.

Aeröçalünth: What he meant to say was, “to get the book and deliver it to the dark elf.”

Xylophone: Alright, we’ll never get anywhere like this. How about we head over to the mine, kill what we need to, loot what we can, and then see about this book.

Dasar: Alright, as long as I get to kill something.

DM: The journey to the mine is pretty uneventful. There are a few animals here and there, but nothing out of the ordinary. You arrive at the mines near dusk and find the heavy doors to be sealed shut.

Aeröçalünth: I examine them closely, trying to find any way to open them.

DM: Nope, nothing there.

Bambo: Burn them!

Yalo!: I cast fireball on the door.

<Zach rolls some dice>

Yalo!: Snap! 35 damage!

Aeröçalünth: Wait! I’m still examining the doors!

DM: Too late, make a saving throw.

<Steve tries to roll a die, but it flies across the room, knocking over several cans of Coke.>

DM: Umm … try again?

<Steve rolls another die, this time keeping it on the table, although barely.>

Aeröçalünth: Let’s see, add in my level bonus … then the dex bonus. I got a -3.

DM: Sucks to be you. The fireball detonates in the middle of the doors, creating a tremendous explosion which sends burning splinters in all directions and flings Aeröçalünth ten feet backwards. How much health are you at, Aeröçalünth?

Aeröçalünth: Two.

Dasar: Heh.

Aeröçalünth: Oh, laugh it up.

Xylophone: I heal Aeröçalünth for 30 hit points.

Aeröçalünth: Thanks.

Xylophone: Alright, let’s enter the mine.

DM: First tell me your walking order.

Dasar: I think Aerosol should go first. After all, he uses the heaviest weapon of any of us.

Aeröçalünth: I hate you.

Dasar: I backstab Aerosol for 34 damage.

Aeröçalünth: Great, now I’m unconscious.

Dasar: Then how the hell are you talking?

Aeröçalünth: Damnit! SHUT UP, WILL YOU?!

Dasar: You’re the dead one, not me.

Aeröçalünth: No, I’m only unconscious.

Dasar: But, you’re bleeding to death, right?

Aeröçalünth: Yeah, but it’s only been … aww, crap.

Xylophone: Don’t worry, I got you covered. I heal him for another 23.

DM: Alright, so what’s your order?

Dasar: I thought we decided that Aerosol was up front?

Aeröçalünth: Jesus H. Tapdancing Christ, NO!!!

Xylophone: No, no, no. Aristotle and Bambo up front, I’ll be next, and after that it doesn’t matter much.

Dasar: I’ll be behind Aerosol.

Aeröçalünth: Bastard.

Dasar: Don’t make me stab you again.

DM: There are torches every twenty feet, providing just enough light to see. The floor has a slight downward slope and continues more or less straight for about 30 feet. Then, it breaks up into three branches.

Dasar: Can we get a map of this place?

DM: You can draw one if you want.

Dasar: Well, left is right and right is gay, so let’s go left.

DM: The shaft winds around for about 40 feet and then breaks into two more branches.

Aeröçalünth: Let’s stick to the left again.

Dasar: Hmph. I would’ve thought you’d go right.

Aeröçalünth: I still hate you.

DM: The passage bends to the left and splits into three parts.

Dasar: What the hell? I can’t fucking draw this!

DM: Neither could I, I’m just making this up as I go.

Dasar: Really?

DM: I guess you’ll never know, will you?

Xylophone: I do a listen check. Do I hear anything interesting down any of the shafts?

DM: To the left and right, you don’t hear much, but in the middle you hear a slight rustling sound.

Xylophone: Well, that’s better than nothing. Weapons at the ready, let’s move down the middle.

DM: The passageway suddenly opens up and there are no more torches ahead. You get the feeling you are in the middle of a wide-open space.

Xylophone: I do another listen check.

DM: You can hear faint movement in here, but you can’t pinpoint where it’s coming from.

Aeröçalünth: I believe I can shed some light here. I shoot a fireball straight up, using it as a flare.

DM: As the fireball streaks upward, its light reveals that there is a giant spider colony on the ceiling. It detonates in the middle of them, lighting some webs on fire and causing a horde of spiders to come screaming down the walls right for you.

Aeröçalünth: Shit.

Dasar: Smooth move, X-Lax.

Xylophone: Alright, let’s get out of here. We run back the way we came.

DM: You come to a three-way split, which way do you go?

Dasar: Right.

DM: You come to a two-way split, now which way do you go?

Aeröçalünth: Left.

DM: The tunnel winds around for a bit and opens up to an area with five other tunnel entrances.

Xylophone: Are the spiders still chasing us?

DM: That depends.

Xylophone: On what?

DM: On if you want to die or not.

Aristotle: Oh, please let them be following us …

DM: Okay, if you wa—

Xylophone: No! They’re not chasing us and we don’t want to die.

Aristotle: Speak for yourself.

DM: Okay, okay, the spiders stopped chasing you. Except for that one that’s on Samula’s back.

<Victor’s head rises once again from the bowl of chips. His hair is now indistinguishable from the massive amount of chips stuck to it.>

Samula: Somebody say something about something with me?

DM: Not really, you can sleep again.

<Victor’s head falls once again into the chip bowl.>

Yalo!: Think we should tell him about the spider?

Xylophone: That depends—is it doing anything?

DM: No, it’s just kind of sitting there.

Xylophone: Then no. Don’t tell him.

Dasar: Well this is just great. I say we leave—I’ll find a nearby town to fill my pockets at.

Aeröçalünth: I hate to say it, but I have to agree with the thief. This is getting us nowhere.

Yalo!: I piss on the moon.

DM: Eh?

Yalo!: Well there’s nothing else to do.

DM: Whatever. Have fun decompressing explosively.

Yalo!: I won’t decompress, I have 25,000 energy.

DM: And?

Yalo!: And energy is amazing.

DM: Oooookaaaaaaay.

Xylophone: Hmm, let’s just get out of here.

DM: Which way do you go?

Dasar: Back the way we came from.

DM: And that is which direction?

Xylophone: Left, left, right, middle, right, left, middle, left.

<The other players stare at Xylophone>

Xylophone: I have a good memory.

DM: Okay, you follow that path and end up at a six-tunnel junction.

<The other players look at Xylophone>

Xylophone: Well, it was worth a shot.

Aristotle: I rig ten of my greater explosion potions together, wrap twenty acid potions around them, and plant them next to the wall.

DM: Wait—where’d you get all of those?

Aristotle: Character creation, you never bothered to check what I took. Anybody mind giving me something to throw at the potions?

Dasar: Why not throw Aerosol?

Aeröçalünth: Bastard.

Xylophone: I … umm … get the hell out of the way.

Aeröçalünth: I’m with you!

Dasar: I’ll be right behind Aerosol.

Bambo: I drink some booze and stumble along behind everyone.

<The DM drops a book on Victor’s head, causing him to shift slightly.>

DM: What about you, Samula?

Samula: What about what?

DM: Are you staying or going?

Samula: Erm ... Going?

DM: Okies.

Yalo!: I cast fireball on the potions. Oh, and run. Really fast.

DM: Alright. The potions explode, causing a massive shockwave to rip throughout the caverns. The immediate area caves in, killing Aristotle.

Aristotle: Woot.

Aeröçalünth: Well that was pointless. I suggest we walk around, trying every tunnel until we find something.

Xylophone: Wait! We should probably try to recover Aristotle’s body.

DM: You find some ashes that were more or less where he was standing.

Xylophone: Hmm, anybody have a place where we can put them?

Yalo!: I’ve got a pickle jar!

Xylophone: Works for me. We put his ashes into the jar of pickles.

Aeröçalünth: Har! Let’s move out.

<The party wanders around the caves for hours, eventually coming to a large mess hall with corpses strewn about>

Dasar: I loot them.

Aeröçalünth: Tsk, tsk. No respect for the dead.

Dasar: Well, then I guess I won’t be respecting you soon.

<After the looting, they explore the rest of the compound, eventually coming to an elaborately carved door>

Aeröçalünth: This must be the wizard, Algar’s, quarters. We should approach with caution.

Dasar: Why? He’s supposed to be dead.

Xylophone: Exactly.

Dasar: Ah. I see your point. I shove Aerosol through the door.

DM: The door bursts inward and Aeröçalünth rolls in, setting alarm bells ringing.

DM: This new room is a richly-decorated hall with a desk facing the door at the far end. At the desk is a slumped-over, robed, rotting human clutching a book.

Yalo!: I enter and go for the book.

DM: As you do, the robed figure rises and begins casting a spell. At the same time, two spectral wyverns appear on either side of him.

Aeröçalünth: I charge straight for him, swinging my halberd.

DM: The wyverns move to intercept and cut you off from the lich.

Dasar: I tumble past them and stab the lich in the back.

DM: Make a roll.

Dasar: I get 73 on my tumble check.

DM: Is that even possible?

Dasar: I have good stats.

DM: Alright, you get past the wyverns, but your attack deflects off of the lich as if his skin were made of stone.

Aeröçalünth: Stoneskin!

Dasar: Thank you, Master of the Obvious.

Xylophone: I use ranged touch and cast Heal on the lich.

DM: What’s the saving throw on that?

Xylophone: There isn’t one.

DM: That’s cheap. Really fucking cheap.

Xylophone: Hey, it’s in the rules. I didn’t write them, so don’t blame me—it’s not my fault I know how to use them effectively.

DM: You mean cheaply.

Xylophone: Whatever, the lich is toast.

DM: Alright, the lich crumbles to the ground and the wyverns disappear as if they never existed.

Dasar: Kick ass, I loot everything.

DM: There is a set of leather armor that wreaks of magic.

Dasar: I put it on.

DM: The armor explodes in a burst of searing heat. Take 41 damage.

Dasar: Oh, now that’s just crap.

Aeröçalünth: Haha!

Dasar: I stab Aerosol.

-=|=-

To be continued …